Title: The Reason Why People are Irritated by the Relationships That Mean The Most – The Partner, Parents, Best Friends, etc


Have you ever felt irritated towards the people who are closest to you, say, your partner, parents or even best friends? Having thoughts such as “I did it for him, but he didn’t even appreciate it.”, “It took me hours to finish this for him, but all he did was point out my flaws”, or ” I spent a huge amount of money for him, but I only got a few things from him” and the list goes on.



It is said that the closer our relationship with a person is, the more prone we are to feeling annoyed, irritated and frustrated, especially when these people close to us, don’t meet our expectations. We tend to have the mindset to do good things for them, but deep in our subconscious, we are expecting some things in return – such as wanting to receive praise, etc. Hence, if the outcome doesn’t meet our expectations – the feelings of frustration may rush in potentially impacting a relationship that is most dear to us.



It is said that Shaka introduced the theory that we should learn to let go, or not be fixated on thoughts such as ” I gave something for someone, did something for someone, helped someone.” This theory is known in Japanese as “Sanrinku(三輪空)”, which is a Buddhism word.



There are times people do things for someone because they’re expecting something in return. Whether we admit it or not, many of us do this at times. Some people may point out every little thing they do and can be regarded as condescending, but in reality, not all things are reciprocated. 



If you cook for your partner but he doesn’t appear to eat heartily, nor praises you for your delicious cooking, you might feel irritated. Thoughts such as, “Hey, it took me hours to cook for you so what the hell is your attitude towards me?” – might cross your mind. Most of us would totally empathize and understand this feeling.



But, you should remember that in totality, your partner is generally kind towards you. He may not express it through words sometimes or react the way you want. So it’s best to maintain your initial emotion and have no reaction. Your first thought is that he is not satisfied with the things you do for him.



Expecting to get something for our good doings is not “kindness” but more like an “investment”, like a calculated move, or something done with an ulterior motive.



It’s basically like collecting a debt or an interest from an investment you made, with the debt, or interest, being much higher than what you initially invested.



Regardless if this return is in the form of expressed gratitude or a feeling of indebtedness, this expectation will destroy your initial good deed. This ego found in all of us can get you riled up. It will irritate and hurt you mentally, to the point of losing yourself and the people important to you.



Shaka suggested that we should help people voluntarily and clear our minds of any expectations. Whenever we have a hidden agenda for doing something, it will always manifest itself in a negative way. This can be in different ways such as impacting your mental state and your daily habits. This is a kind of a lesson. So, in order to avoid having such a bad mindset, learn to help someone or do something selflessly, without having expectations for anything in return.



Sometimes, we have to reach beneath the actions and think of his actions and remember how he cares. He’s eating with you,” “spending his time with you,” etc. are also ways of showing gratitude and affection towards you.



Sometimes, actions are even more powerful than words.





大切な人にイラつく心をスーッと軽くする方法【仏教の教え】 – YouTube


三輪空(寂)の教え┃三つの執着を捨てて心を軽くする方法 – 仏教辞典 (bukkyouwakaru.com)




一単語を使いたかったので、「恩着せがましい」をオンライン辞典(Weblio和英辞典)で調べると、condescending、 patronizeとなっています。





・He makes me feel I owe him.

・He demands thanks for it to me.